Forever Admirer

Konser musik. Siapapun penyanyinya, aku tidak akan pernah suka melakukan hal ini. Lantas kenapa aku disini? Aku mencoba menemukan kembali ingatanku yang sepertinya sangat berharga untuk kulupakan. Ah, benar! Dua hari yang lalu, aku dipaksa oleh salah seorang temanku untuk ikut nonton konser ini sebagai hadiah ulang tahun untuknya. Itulah sebabnya mengapa aku sekarang berada di tengah keramaian ini. Mungkin seisi dunia ini tahu kalau aku tidak suka keramaian.

“Yuna, gak usah pasang tampang bete gitu dong, disini kita buat senang-senang!”

“Aishhh, dasar Jiran menyebalkan, apa ini yang dirimu maksud dengan teman?”aku hanya dapat mengutuknya dalam hati, dan terpaksa pura-pura tersenyum manis dan memalingkan wajahku ke arah berlawanan.

“Kamu sekali-kali harus menikmati konser-konser seperti ini, biasanya di dalam hal-hal yang gak kamu sukai malah kamu akan menemukan sesuatu yang menarik.”

“Menarik? Apanya yang menarik? Aku rasa terlalu banyak hal yang menarik bagimu, Zia.”balasku dan mereka hanya tertawa.

Konser music malam itu dibuka dengan penampilan band local. Dan setelah itu, seorang MC laki-laki dan MC perempuan keluar untuk membuka acara secara resmi. Karena kami berada di barisan paling strategis untuk melihat secara jelas para entertainer itu, maka dari tempat kami berada aku juga bisa melihat dengan jelas wajah pembawa acara malam itu. Dan ada yang berhasi mencuri perhatianku, siapa? Hana si MC perempuan itu? Eyyy, gak mungkin, tentu saja bukan, tetapi yang disebelahnya itu, seorang MC pria tampan dengan senyuman yang sangat manis.

Seketika kata-kata Zia kembali melintas di fikiranku. Mungkin ada benarnya juga. Bagiku malam itu bukanlah untuk menonton konser musik yang isinya music rock dan penuh dengan teriakan tidak jelas, mungkin karena music mereka tidak sesuai dengan  seleraku. Tapi malam itu, aku hanya benar-benar focus pada MC itu yang memperkenalkan dirinya diatas panggung dengan nama, Jin. Menurutku penampilannya adalah yang terbaik ketimbang para personel EmBlue itu. Dan malam itu berlalu dengan cukup menyenangkan karenanya. Namun, aku tidak akan mengatakannya kepada dua teman menyebalkan ini. This is my secret, ssssttt! 

***

Aku hendak menuju kelas kuliah berikutnya, namun kelas yang biasa aku dan teman-temanku gunakan sepertinya sedang digunakan para mahasiswa lain. Aku mencoba mengintip siapa yang sedang menggunakannya. Tak ada dosen didalamnya. Apa mereka sedang bermain saja di dalam kelas yang akan kami gunakan? Namun tiba-tiba mataku tertuju pada sosok yang masih kuingat jelas parasnya di otakku. Jin? Sengaja atau tidak, atau entah itu kesalahan atau kecerobohanku, tapi jelas sekali dia juga melihatku. Apa yang harus kuharapkan? Dia tidak kenal padaku, jelas dia tak akan menegurku. Aku sangat mengerti begitu banyak orang yang memiliki kepribadian yang mirip denganku yang tak mudah dekat dengan orang lain, malah cenderung di nilai sombong oleh sebagian orang yang tak mengenalku dengan baik.

“Yuna, ayo masuk.”kata Noel.

“Tapi, ada orang di dalam, kamu yakin kita selanjutnya dikelas ini?”tanyaku dengan perasaan yang tidak karuan. Malu. Takut. Ragu. Aku benar-benar tidak bisa mengontrol perasaan, fikiran, dan ekspresiku secara bersamaan. Dan akhirnya aku masuk dengan kepala tegak pandangan lurus kedepan tanpa senyum seperti aku yang biasanya, tampil cuek dan terkesan dingin pada orang-orang. Aku hanya bisa memarahi diriku sendiri didalam hati. Kenapa aku harus bergitu? Tidak bisakah sedikit lebih ramah? Terlalu mahal kah suaramu untuk menyapa orang lain terlebih dahulu? Akh, aku benar-benar kesal pada diriku sendiri.

Aku duduk ditempat yang biasa aku tempati. Paling depan. Lagi-lagi kebiasaanku ini membuatku tak bisa melirik ke arah Jin sedikitpun. Aku betanya pada Noel tentang kenapa Jin dan teman-temannya berada di kelas kami.

“Mereka itu mahasiswa bimbingan Mr.Anthony, dan mereka sedang melakukan penelitian, dan mereka akan melakukan penelitiannya di kelas kita.”jawab Noel

“Kenapa harus kita? Memangnya Mr.Anthony gak punya mahasiswa lain?”

“Mungkin kelas kita menyenangkan manurut Mr.Anthony?”kata Noel membuat perasaanku semakin tak karuan antara frustasi dan terlalu senang. Tak lama kemudian Jiran dan Zia juga datang. Jiran duduk disampingku. “What’s wrong with your face?”Tanya Jiran.

“Coba liat di pojok belakang sebelah kiri? Kenal gak?”

“Oh, dia MC yang waktu di konser itu kan? Kenapa? Suka ya?”ledek Jiran

Hampir saja aku ingin berteriak pada anak menyebalkan ini. Tapi aku menahannya dengan baik. Kali ini aku berhasil mengontrol hati, fikiran dan ekspresi mukaku.

“Kalau gak, terus kenapa emangnya kalau dia dikelas kita? Biarin aja kali.”kata Jiran.

Aku hanya bisa terdiam. Apa yang dikatakan Jiran memang benar. Akh, ternyata aku benar-benar sulit mengendalikan perasaanku.

“Yuna, mereka yang disana itu, Noel bilang mereka itu mahasiswa-mahasiswa nya Mr.Anthony.”kata Zia yang tiba-tiba nyeletuk dari belakang.

“Udah tahu.”jawabku singkat

“Ada si MC itu.”kata Zia

“Udah liat.”

“Yang aku dengar mereka sedang penelitian di kelas kita.”lanjut Zia

“Udah dengar.”jawabku lagi

“Wah, great!!! She knew everthing!”Zia mulai lebay

“Noel udah kasi tahu tadi.”jawabku berusaha untuk tak membuat Zia lebay lebih jauh lagi dengan kecurigaannya.

“Are you happy?”selidik Zia

“Happy?”tanyaku balik dengan muka sok bingung

“You like him, huh?”Zia semakin bertingkah lebay ala detektif

“What???”Jiran malah terkejut dan hampir saja tertawa dan menggemparkan seisi kampus.

“I don’t”sangkalku

“Aihhhh, really?”Jiran dan Zia semakin aneh dengan memasang wajah serius

“Ah, bodo ah….”aku makin tak sanggup meladeni Zia dan Jiran. Aku berusaha mengendalikan perasaanku, tapi dua anak ini benar-benar berbahaya karena mereka bisa membuatku kehilangan control atas diriku sendiri.

“Tapi, malam itu aku perhatikan, kalau setiap MC nya keluar, dia pasti senyum-senyum sendiri, dan pasang muka kesal tiap kali band favorit kita yang tampil.”cerita Zia pada Jiran. Aku hanya mendengarkan apa yang sedang mereka bicarakan. Dalam hatiku benar-benar kesal pada dua anak ini, jadi sebenarnya mereka ingin menonton konser music atau memperhatikan aku?

Tak lama kemudian, Mr.Anthony datang.

“Okay, hari ini saya mau kita dapat bekerja sama. Mereka yang duduk di pojok sana adalah mahasiswa saya dari jurusan bahasa prancis, dan mereka sedang melakukan penelitian. Saya akan memberikan mereka beberapa pertemuan kita untuk mengajarkan kalian tentang bahasa prancis. Kalian tidak perlu takut, para mahasiswa saya ini adalah yang terbaik. Okay, sekarang bisa kita lanjutkan kuliahnya? Pada sesi terakhir kalian bisa memilih siapa yang terbaik menurut kalian.”

Kuliah berlangsung cukup menyenangkan. Bahkan ketika si tampan Jin itu mendapatkan gilirannya mengajar. Aku suka caranya mengajar. Beberapa pertanyaan yang dia berikan bisa ku jawab dengan baik membuatku seperti terbang di atas awan, berenang di anatara bunga-bunga yang indah, namun ketika ada pertanyaan yang aku membuat kesalahan dalam menjawabnya, membuatku ingin lari ke kutub utara menyembunyikan wajahku di bawah gunung es. Satu hal yang membuatku benar-benar senang adalah aku bisa melihat senyumnya yang manis dengan sangat jelas.

“Yuna, be careful atau kamu akan ketahuan menjadi fansnya.”

Perkataan Jiran yang mengingatkanku, membuatku kembali berfikir lurus dan mengendalikan ekspresi wajahku.

“Jangan terus memandang wajahnya, tapi lihatlah kea rah papan tulis, perhatikan apa yang dijelaskannya bukan wajah orang menjelaskan” bisik Jiran

“Aku memperhatikan apa yanh dijelaskan kok”

“Hoh, are you sure? Mana ada orang mendengarkan penjelasan sambil senyum senyum gak jelas gitu.”

“Okay. Okay. Kamu juga jangan terus memperhatikan aku sebaiknya perhatikan papan tulisnya. Jangan perhatikan aku ataupun yang menjelaskan di depan itu.”kataku

“Woaaaaa, you really liked him.”kata Jiran

*** 

“Yuna, kamu serius suka sama mahasiswa Mr.Anthony, Jin si Mc itu?”Tanya Zia

“Kenapa emangnya?”

“Gak kenapa-kenapa sih…turut berbahagia aja”kata Zia

“Yuna, pas waktu dia menjelaskan kemarin, kamu perhatikan atau gak gayanya itu loh….?”Jiran tampak ragu meneruskan kata-katanya

“Gayanya kenapa? Girlish gitu?”

“Tuh dia tahu”kata Zia pada Jiran

“Hey, kalian suka sama siapa tuh Band EmBlue atau apalah gitu kan? Kalau liat personilya pada berbunga-bunga kan?”

Jiran dan Zia mengangguk.

“Nah, anggap saja aku itu kalian, dan Jin itu sebagai si EmBlue itu. Done! No more questions, okay!” aku mempercepat langkahku menuju kelas Mr.Anthony. Tapi kedua temanku yang baikku yang menyebalkan ini juga dengan cepat menyusulku.

“Hari ini katanya hari terakhir mereka ikut dikelas kita, dan seperti yang Mr.Anthony bilang, kita harus memilih satu yang terbaik menurut kita. Siapa yang akan kamu pilih?”Tanya Jiran.

“Please, kasi tahu kita dong, aku dan Jiran benar-benar bingung, jadi kami putuskan untuk mengikuti pilihan kamu.”kata Zia

“Promise me you’ll choose the same.”

“Okay.”jawab Jiran dan Zia kompak.

“Of course, I’ll choose him.”jawabku

“Who? Jin?”Tanya Jiran

“Eitsss… you promised me guys, don’t forget, okay.”

“Okay.”jawab Zia

Sesampainya dikelas dua mahasiswa yang mendapat giliran terakhir mengajarkan kai tentang beberapa kosakata tentang bahasa prancis. Sebenarnya mereka semua tidak buruk mungkin mereka hanya sedikit nervous.

“Okay, kalian sudah melihat kemampuan mereka dan mereka juga tahu kemampuan kalian dan minat kalian dalam belajar bahasa prancis, walaupun kalian bukan mahasiswa bahasa prancis, tapi menurut mereka kalian tidak buruk sebagai pemula. Mereka juga senang bisa berbagi pengetahuan dengan kalian yang sesungguhnya berstatus mahasiswa bahasa Inggris. Baiklah, kalau begitu seperti yang sudah pernah kita sepakati, bahwa kalian harus memilih yang terbaik menurut kalian. Apa kita perlu voting?”Tanya Mr. Anthony

“Daripada kita voting menggunakan kertas, lebih langsung saja tunjuk tangan. Lebih terbuka dan lebih cepat selesai.”kata Raga salah satu teman sekelasku yang memang hobi nyeletuk dan membuat seisi kelas tertawa.

“Kamu benar Raga. Baiklah kita langsung saja. Ketika saya sebutkan namanya, kalian bisa langsung tunjuk tangan.”

“Jin?”

Aku tanpa ragu langsung menunjuk tangan. Dan teman-teman ku langsung tertawa. Aku merasa dikhianati. Tentu, oleh kedua teman baikku yang menjadi benar-benar menyebalkan.

“Gwen?” ketika Mr.Anthony menyebutkan nama seorang mahasiswi nya, seluruh temanku menaikkan tangannya tanda memilih Gwen sebagai yang terbaik. Aku hanya bisa tertawa kecil dan tersenyum dengan tatapan yang sangat tajam pada teman-temanku. Mereka merasa seperti menang sebuah permainan. Mengerjaiku? Hahaha, berani-beraninya mereka membangunkan macan yang sedang tertidur, fikirku.

Setelah itu, untuk terakhir kalinya aku melihat ke arah Jin dan dia jelas sekali melihat ke arahku juga. Dia tidak tersenyum. Wajahnya biasa saja tanpa ekspresi apapun. Sekedar melihat. Itu sudah cukup bagiku sebagai hadiah untuk mengampuni teman-temanku yang berani mempermainkanku.

“Yuna, sorry. Sebenarnya tadi kita berdua emang maunya pilih Jin, tapi kami dengar teman-teman lain banyak yang meilih Gwen dengan berbagai macam pertimbangan. Akhirnya kami pilih Gwen.”kata Zia

“It’s okay.”

“Kamu marah?”

“Marah? Menurut kalian, apa orang yang dikhianati bisa marah? Gak Cuma marah, bahkan aku rasanya ingin menggantung kalian di tiang bendera di depan kampus kita.”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry…” Jiran pasang tampang sok imut

‘Aishhh, jangan pasang tampang seperti itu, atau kalian berdua akan kugantung benar-benar di tiang bendera kampus.”Jiran dan Zia tertawa mendengar responku. Aku yakin mereka tahu kalau aku tidak marah kepada mereka. Sejujurnya aku memang tidak marah, hanya saja aku merasa malu, karena kejadian tadi membuatku terlihat jelas sekali menyukai Jin. Padahal, baik aku ataupun dia, kami tak saling kenal, setidaknya mungkin kami hanya tahu wajah satu sama lain, atau mungkin nama, yang sudah pasti dia akan lupa namaku seiring waktu. Untuk apa mengingat orang yang tak kita kenal, betulkan?

Sejak saat itu, kami tak pernah saling beradu pandang lagi. Entahlah apa ia pernah melihatku walau seperti siloute, tapi aku masih melihatnya dengan jelas, untuk beberapa kali.

“Yuna, kamu masih sering lihat si Jin dikampus?”Tanya Jiran

Aku Cuma menggangguk.

“Kamu pernah gak sih ngomong apa gitu sama dia, atau sekedar say hi gitu?”Tanya Zia

Aku Cuma menggeleng.

“Kamu follow SNS dia gak sih?”Tanya Jiran

Aku lagi-lagi Cuma mengangguk

“Kamu sariawan ya sampe gak bisa jawab, dari tadi Cuma geleng ama ngangguk doang?”Tanya Zia

Aku lagi-lagi menggeleng.

“Tuh kan…”protes Zia

“Aku itu lagi malas ngomong, lagian cukup ngangguk atau geleng kepala udah jawab pertanyaan kalian secara jelas kan?”

“Kamu gak pengen gitu ngobrol atau berteman sama dia?”

“Kamu tahu gak info tentang dia? Atau mau kita cariin?”

“Heh, orangnya aja udah gak disini. Sekarang di ada di Prancis. Lagian kan aku Cuma suka...”kataku, namun dalam hatiku meneruskan, “banget…”

“Gak nyesel nih Cuma jadi fans?”

“Ya enggaklah. Sekarang itu kita harus focus sama kuliah, tahun depan giliran kita yang harus wisuda. Semangat menyambut skripsi.”jawabku

“Mulai mengalihkan pembicaraan deh tuh anak.”Jiran dan Zia berlari menyusulku.

Biarlah perasaan suka itu, Cuma aku yang tahu. Yang lain yang tidak berkepentingan tidak perlu tahu. Aku sendiri mulai kehilangan alasan sebenarnya tentang kenapa aku menyukainya. Apa benar karena ia tampan? Kemarin aku melihat pria yang lebih tampan, tapi menurutku biasa saja. Saat ini aku berfikir, bahwa mungkin karena dia adalah sosok yang dapat memotivasi orang lain. Kadang tanpa sadar seseorang bisa menjadi motivasi bagi orang lain, layaknya tanpa sadar kadang seseorang juga bisa melukai hati orang lain. Mungkin seperti itulah rasa sukaku padanya. Tak lebih dari itu, saat ini, dan mungkin seterusnya. Aku hanya bisa menatap langit biru dan mengucapkan nya dalam hatiku, Nice to meet you, Jin!

THE END

Prose FT: IRINA

Irina

In this world, each person must have a dream. Dreams that are really want to become real. Dream to have a better life and improve the future. Giving the happiness the people we love. So the people we love can feel proud of us. But, for all it's worth, it is not an easy thing to make it happen. Sometimes the ways to through is like a steep and difficult to pass. Even tears certainly also be a faithful companion present to treat any grief, sorrow, and the disappointment as well. The most painful and frustrating is when we are faced with a choice that did not want us to select none. When we chose it feels like there is a big hammer that hit the chest that make it hard to breathe. Like the unconscious to the decision that we choose, wanna change but we can’t, because we have chosen. All the painful choice, whatever the chosen will remain painful for us, but we might not be selfish and only think about ourselves. That's why I chose that option actually I do not want to choose, but I am sure it is the best option to be chosen. This is my story, my choices ... I'm with all my heart chose not to be selfish and think only about me ... This is me and my story ... I'll never forget this story whole of my life.

(9 years ago, 2006)

“Irina!” someone, the girls in her school uniform called me.

“Hi Lisa!” I greet her back and we walk together.

“What will you do after high school?” she asked me.

“I will move to Jakarta.”

“Alone? How about your mother and your brother?” the curiosity was happening.

“We all will be moved.” I said

“Wow ... what would you do there? Studying? Or working?” Lisa asked me again

“I want to do both.” I answered her questions simply

“Do you have family there?”

“Yes, why?”

“Then you will easily there, you can get a job easily because certainly there are people who will help you." She just delivered het thought but I dislike it.

Listen to Lisa’s statement made me ​​smirked and asked. “Are you always like that? Are you just relying on someone else? I know how my family lives there, they were all busy with their own business and they would not have time just to find me a job.”

“Sorry, I just think that having someone we already know at least it's easier than do not have people we know there.” Lisa explained

Now, I smile more sincerely. “It’s okay, what did you say is true as well. Some people think the same way as you”

“By the way, when you were a child, you also live there, right?” Lisa asked me again and again. Actually she is my best friend in Senior High School, but she little bit fussy, but no hard feeling between us, just be honest, and enjoy our friendship.

“Yes, as you know, but not too long. Only two years.”

“You definitely cannot wait to go there again, right.”

“Yes, you know me well. I cannot wait any longer.”

“I will miss you, my friend.” she hugged me.

“I will miss you too, but don’t hug me, please. I don’t want people will misunderstanding about us.”

***

My mom’s cell phone rang. My mom got called from my aunt in Pontianak. At that time I still did not have my own mobile phone. I answered the call.

“Hello…”

“Have you arrived in Jakarta?”My aunt asks me

“Yes we are, if not how I answer the call.”I answered and tried to make a joke though it’s not funny as well.

“You're fine, right?” My aunt asked me again.

“Yes we are fine.” I know that my aunt must be very much worry about us at that time.

“Keep yourself well, take care of your health, if there is anything you need or just call me, you can tell me anything.” My lovely aunt keep fussy anytime anywhere even on the phone.

“Alright, don’t too worry, we’re fine here. We’ll call you later, bye.” I immediately hang up the phone before my aunt speaks even longer. I know in my hometown, Pontianak, my aunt will always help me but at that time was a different situation and we had so far the distance. The distance between us and the place where my aunt lived very far away, separated by the sea which can only be reached by a plane or a big ship.

Next day was my first day in college and also modelling school. I studied at the Academy of Tourism Jakarta International Hotel where located in the Sudirman area. Moreover after college I followed a modelling school in at Jalan Gatot Subroto. In both places I was well received, and they were, my new friends, it was very easy to recognize me, from my accent of Malay and they said that I have a unique face. Even they thought I was so funny, whether because of my accent or the way I dress. My style look old-fashioned for them and they were very fashionable.

Our days were very simplicity life. Staying in a rented house with two rooms that quite nice with porcelain floors. However, our finances from the sale of our house in Pontianak dwindling. I didn’t get a part time job yet and my mom has not found a job too, while my brother who lacking in terms of reading and writing can only keep the home for me and my mother when we were not at home. My mother always took me to the campus and picked me up then. After that from college my mom drove me to the modelling school and waiting me until the session was complete.

I began to feel an imbalance in my life. Imbalance between reality and the dream that I wanna be, but my mother always strengthen me to endure and convinced me that I could achieve my dreams.

One day, everything we have done seems to be in vain. Who could resist if God gives a warning in life? Even at that time we had to prepare for that, but who would have thought if that happened beyond what is expected. Our rented house that didn’t too high was sinking and invisible, even the highest part of the roof of the house was already gone.

Initially, the embankment to retaining the rain that shipment from Bogor was just cracked and surrounding communities have started to worry that it will become more severe. Finally, the embankment cannot retaining the rainwater that shipment from Bogor so suddenly collapsed and instantaneous water like a tsunami and hit our house. We have taken refuge in a neighbour's house that has a place higher than our home. We just able to see the house that we lived it was gone, any goods can no longer be saved unless the items that have previously been saved since the furore about the cracks - cracks in the dike.

Three nights four days we occupy the upper level of our neighbour's house. Dark, there was no electricity. Only when accompanied by candles at night, it was also our subs just survive by eating instant noodles. Food brought by rescuer team did not even get into our hands, because of the distance we were indeed very difficult to reach. Even if the food was up to us, unfortunately, the food was stale and inedible.

Guilt began to infiltrate my heart. I wish I did not have the desire to become an actress, so we would not be like in the difficult situation. Since then, I realized many things. Dreaming is painful, because the reality is even more painful. I originally wished her happy, my mom, and make her proud of me. In fact I was the one who becomes a source of suffering for her. I have destroyed the life she built painstakingly. My mother had to lose the house that she built with gathered money little by little with all her labor. At that moment I realized ...          I am who made ​​her suffer.

Not finished until there, after 3 days the water started to recede but the mud remains very high, we tried to walk through the mud with energy left to look for items that if it is still worth to be saved. My mother is very strong to survive for the sake of me and my brother soon found a new place for us.

After getting a new rented house, I will plan to go to college again. Amid the rain that still has not dry, my mom and I headed to the campus used bike belonged to my mother. She looked very concerned with how I was doing. My mother knew that if I just tried to strengthen myself. Finally she decided to go back home and not drove me to the campus. Arriving home my body is getting weaker droop. Between conscious and not, I saw my mother, she panics even to cry. She was very afraid of something happening to me, but to go to the hospital was not possible, because we do not have enough money. My mother made ​​various efforts as much as possible for me, even my mother also tried to ask the neighbours if there are the doctors around near where we live. The neighbour was telling my mom that there was a doctor, woman doctor, who lived in nearby our stay, and advised my mother to take me to the doctor.

My mother took me to the doctor immediately. My mother who is skinny but has tremendous power may be able to carry me, but I felt that I was able to strengthen myself to walk. I do not want to bother my mom, I'll do what I can do because I've had so much to make her suffer .

Although staggered and very slow but I'm still trying to run as hard as my strength to restraints by my mother. In front of the doctor I said all that I feel in my body. But the doctor's words were at least quite a relief.

She said, "There's nothing, really, it's just your heartburn already acute, if allowed to continue and not brought here, maybe you could go to the hospital. Do not eat instant noodles a lot, okay? It's not good for you.” In my mind, if I didn’t eat those instant noodles, maybe I can die because of famine in three days of that tragedy.

“It’s because we do not get the food supply when flood tragedy so there was no food, just there was the instant noodles, so for three days we only eat the instant noodles, even the rescuer team difficult to reach the place where we wrere stay." My mother started telling bad experience recently our experienced.

After taking medicine from doctor, my health began to improve, but the problem seemed without stop. Maybe because it was too tired and had to survive on the verge of his limits. My mother fell ill. I'm freaking awesome. My world, my dreams, my wishes as any all collapsed, lost, no longer I thought. All I wanted was just one, I want my mother recovered. With all my limitations, my fears, I took care of my mother's inability under the guidance of my mother. Sometimes I ask, "What part of the sick, mom? Show me, where? Let me help you"

"No, I already feel better anyway. You, just take a rest, you're also in recovery." She said. I know my mother must have felt ill and felt that her body too weakened. Perhaps her power is exhausted, tired, over what has happened to us.

In between taking care of my mother, I was only able to dissolve in tears and prayed to God to heal her. I was really scared. Tremendous fear that I never felt before. I was so afraid. I understand what my mother felt when I was sick at the time. Perhaps what was felt by my mother over than what I feel, but I'm sure my mother is more powerful and strong than me. I was really scared. In this capital of country, I don’t have the closest family, nobody’s here. No one. I was getting scared. Only the extremely fearless that I felt. I cried badly, even I find it hard to breathe because of crying. I cried silently, because I do not want my mother to hear me cry. I do not want to make her worry and most importantly I do not want to burden her anymore. I wish my mother a speedy recovery. After the sufferings I had created for my mother I feel if something happens to me my mother would be fine, but if on the contrary, it cannot be imagined. So I'm also going to die at that time.

But God is Most Great and my mother's was tough, the next day my mom situation gradually improved. Millions of gratitude I prayed, I really cannot say anything. In my heart, feel the true happiness beyond measured, cannot be expressed in words.

The next day, while relaxing, suddenly slid the words of my mouth that makes her stunned. I said, "Mom, I want to return to Pontianak." Without thinking my words too long, my mother agreed, "Well, if you feel better that way." Maybe because it was my mother was worried about my health that I actually have not recovered 100%. I also promised my mother that I would work hard, no need to think about college at that time.

And finally we return. We stayed at my aunt's house that had always helped me. He is the sister of my mother. Even though she's one of the kin, it does not necessarily make us feel comfortable to live aboard to stay with her. I even blamed myself for what happened to the people around me. I often write in my favourite diary. I wrote what I feel, what cannot be expressed, including feelings of guilt for what happened on us. It shocked me most was when I discovered that the diary which I had was often painted by someone, my mother. My mother wrote "YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE US SUFFER”. At that time, the moment seemed to freeze, to stop, I know it were correct, even I know if all of this is indeed because of me, but I still cannot believe why when the words were issued by my own mother feels like as I have given a sharp sword to the person I love to poke me, but I do not believe that she would actually thrust. Finally my mother feeling that she had actually put out, so far she has been to contain his feelings, she may really struck me after finding my diary. Since that time I felt there was nothing else will protect me. My tears would not be stopped. My mother continued to show his disappointment to me. I can accept and understand all of it with nothing to do but pray to the Lord.

At that time I also worked at the largest mall in the city of Pontianak, despite only being a beauty advisor. There I met many new people from all walks of life. Including one of the manager that known to be quite good, but not good enough in my eyes. One day I was really angry at him even so sick and tired cannot vent anger at the manager, I could just cry.

"What happened Rin? Why? You really do not like Mr.Armand, he is still quite young, had a good career, rich man, and he was also deeply religious, very good man." said Tia, one of my friends at work.

"What? Good? Someone can we judge as a good man if he was brave, not a loser."

“What do you mean?” Tia felt curious.

“My aunt told me, yesterday he came to my house and met my mother. During this time he was curious where I live because I do not ever give anyone know where I live. But since I held the little party and he came too, so he knew where I lived, but I not have thought when he came again to m aunt’s house. That is why I do not like him, he came when I wasn’t at home, even though he knew I was on duty.” I said.

“Maybe he tried to take your mother’s heart so he can steal your heart and people say if you want her girl you need to approach her mother.” Tia said.

I laughed when I heard Tia’s words. "Hehe ... but it's not applicable to me, even though my mom really likes him, but I'll never like him. And especially after such a manner"

“Don’t be like that, how if you who chased him later?” Tia starts to scary me.

“Tia, I've been through the most difficult and painful way, because of that I know how it should determine the path of my life, no one else is doing this, but me, only me. So whatever it is my decision, I will be responsible for it. And one more thing, I'm not one to be tempted by another man's treasure, I'd rather try and fight to get what I want with the results of my labor alone." I explained to Tia and she got surprised.

“Wow, I like your style, keep Fighting then.”Tia supports my choice, my words. I just smiled at Tia when she showed her admiration.

Day by day, I am aware that being an adult is not easy, but I also realize that maturity is not measured by age, but how do we deal with something, struggling for life and responsible for the choices we make in order to create the happiness. But sometimes it is not our own happiness makes us happy, sometimes we want to make others happy, regardless of our own hearts and feelings. Are we happy? At least we have the smile that we got from people that we make them be happy, it is like a little bit of fresh air for us to breathe.

I know, life is a struggle that will never stop until we die. Therefore, after a year I became a beauty advisor in Pontianak, I decided to arrange my move to Jakarta, became a beauty advisor in Jakarta. Finally, I, and my mother decided that we would go back to Jakarta. Never stop to struggle and keep trying. It’s my life, my choice, at that time, our choice.

2008

I, we arrived in this town again, but this time there are some differences. I no longer come to college but this time to continue my work as a beauty advisor. My mom and I also rented a house close to where I work, it is small but it is enough for me, my mother and my brother.

Being a new employee in a new place, I got new friends. I think they were friendly enough. Unfortunately, my partner was gay. It's my first time made friends with a gay. I have no problem with it. I just focus on what I want to do and did not think much about the things that are not important to me. This new place, though I tried to focus on things that are important only to me, there is still a role of antagonist that is always trying to make me cry. This time one of the famous supervisor likes to torture people, Mrs. Sri, she made me cry for no apparent reason. When it turned out there was an inspection of the regional manager of Greater Jakarta, and he saw me crying. He came up to me, and I met him, his name Mr.Yoseph. He was a good man. Since then, strange gossip-gossip began to circulate, but I do not care. I'm Irina, I just focus on what I should pursue, but it does not mean I'm ignoring the existing circumstances. I just do not want to care about the things that make me more stress. Even when I was selected as one of the winners in the selection of the best employees, I do not think much about the gossip-gossip about growing increasingly wild.

When in an interview when selecting the best employees, I just answered as best as I can, what I can, and all of it honestly and sincerely I do. At that time the most important thing is not to be the winner, but the most important is what I get then. An advice that I will remember forever, Mr. Yoseph said to me... "Being successful is not easy, and when we succeed, 99 % of people do not like it, but keep your spirit on the way that you choose." those words were very meaningful to me, not the most precious gift of this competition, those words is the greatest gift which is always I remembered whenever .

After a year I worked as a beauty advisor, I began start to be brave back to follow the audition of modelling show in a tabloid. Just at that time I only reached the stage of semi- finalists, but it was one of the first steps into the world a new, world entertainment. When my time was free and was getting a turn off, so I'm going to try my lucky in the entertainment world to come to various production houses for entering my data and do direct casting if it were open casting session on that day.

Since that time I also met with many agencies and from them I got various casting info for advertising and others. Quite often I also get information from TV, magazines or tabloids. Even before I had a chance to audition Miss Celebrity in one of the TV station, I even asked for an interview with one of the well-known infotainment. I love it. When my friends at work asked, if it was me? I simply replied... " Aahhh , it 's just the resemble of my face, she’s not me."

"Are you sure?" the employers that asked me look like do not believe in me.

“Ho oh, it seems the real you, I watched it that show on TV.” One of them preety sure if that person was me.

Actually, I'm glad to hear that they watched and realized it was me , but I was too embarrassed to show them one of my goals coming into this capital city, not just because of my job, but in fact, I want to continue my dream deferred. My mom wants me to continue my dream. However, this time is also not enough to be better than yesterday.

The first time I escaped casting and in calling for the shooting, I did a mistake. I should not have decided to stop working. I know it is my fault, and it is present always regret at the behind. Since that time my new world begins. The world I dreamed, a job that I think easy to do, but not in reality. I really started all from scratch. Bids for shooting start often arrive, but it was not sufficient for finance for our lives.

My mother is always with me wherever I keep shooting and my brother home. The income that I get from my new job is not worth as the salary for being a beauty advisor, but I have always thought that this difficulty is a struggle to achieve success. I always think like that, just it the thing that I thought, maybe even I almost closed my eyes from the circumstances around me.

For a year I fought in the entertainment world. I follow any casting, but the results did not like what I was expecting. My mom and I took a bus down anywhere, ride motorcycles what we called “OJEK” or we used BAJAJ, all of public transport in the capital was used to take a trip. I accept all bids shooting so I can get revenue for our needs, for our life. I already do not care anymore it's a role or just a walk-on role that is just passing through. I'm getting stuck in a situation and options.

Needs of our lives, the cost of the trip even made me more frustrated. And the culmination of all the frustration that made ​​me do a big decision, the decision that I never imagined before.

At that time, my brother had sent home to Pontianak. My brother who has been protested and always looked fine was also frustrated with our condition, because of that, my mother sent him back to Pontianak. From that time there lived two of us, me and my mother.

A variety of circumstances we've been through, we've experienced a variety of flavours, sadness, joy, disappointment and we share those feelings. Anger, tears and laughter after another but the third thing I mentioned, there is not quite often present among us, which is most often present only anger and tears, especially after my brother was not with us. The last feelings of guilt are back, it wound back gaping and getting worse. My mother must have felt lonely and guilty for sending my brother back to Pontianak.

My mother is almost never parted with my brother. Unlike me , I've been living separately with my mother, as a child when my parents divorced for a few months I lived with my father without my mother, until she came back and took me to live with her. When I graduated from elementary school, I lived in a dorm for six years until I was in senior high school. So I am quite used to own, but more mature, my mother even more protect me. But it's a long story, not the story I want to tell in detail on this story.

This story has no end of happy or wonderful but for forever I'll never forget in my life. After trying a hundred times casting including casting of ads, for the first time I made ​​it through the casting and getting a bid advertisement. I vividly recall, at the time I made ​​it through a casting fast food products from Japan. Maybe because my face is very oriental, that's why I got it away. But it was not any part of this most important of all.

The most important and memorable was when my mom was mad at me and told me that I was the source of his suffering. If the first time my mother still writes it down in my diary, this time my mom immediately said with her own mouth. I, again, like being stabbed by his own mother with a sword wound right in the first, previous injuries, which sometimes still hurt and sore, but this time it was punctured again at the same place, this time even my own mother did it right in front of my eyes, before me. I, do not know what I think, when it all seemed dark and empty. I could not cry at the time, while in front, really cannot. I kept ringing her words... forever.

"If not for your ambition is, I'm not going to be like this. In my life, I have to hard work, but I never do not eat. But this time you're making me like this. If in Pontianak I definitely would not like this." Her words like a sword for me that killing me.

Since those words from the lips of my mother, I've decided one big thing. Things I never thought I'd do, I never thought this way eventually.

When my fee from commercials of fast food products from Japan ad it out. I ask my mother, "Mom, so do you really want to go home?"

"Up to you." My mother is like reversing the decision to me. I know actually my mom really wanted back to Pontianak, but she might try not to be selfish, and think about me as well, she may also wish to think about me. I also tried to understand as possible when my mother was angry and hungry, because we do not have any money, no food supplies, and most make my mother angry and embarrassed because I asked my aunt's aid in Pontianak to transmit me a bit money.

But because of the words that have been out of her lips that has really stuck in my heart and in my mind, I too have decided a major case.

"Mom, what do you want actually, just tell me, I’ll be okay. If you want to go home so we’ll go home. Yesterday you want to go home, right?. Then it's decided. We return to Pontianak, tomorrow we take care of everything and buy the tickets to go home."

I've done it. The first time, I decided a big decision in my life. The first time, I stand firm to my mother. In my heart I truly apologize to my mother, my heart also ... I actually cried.

That day I threw all my pride, selfishness, desire, ambition, I left something very big for me. I left my dreams. Dreams of become an actress and the professional entertainer. I do not want to be a selfish. I wanna be bad daughter who only think about only myself. Since then I closed my book, and I said this is the end of my story, my dream. For me, dream isn’t a dream, when the dream just made the people we love suffer in their life. What I feel will always be a secret in my heart. I just spoke to my heart. And only my heart and God that only knows what I feel. Only God and my heart also knows that if I say ... "Mom, I'm so sorry, if I make you suffer, I promise after this, I'll just make you smile, I will strive for it, whatever you want me to do, surely I will do my best. Mom, I believe God is just and wise. From now on, I only want to be a good daughter who can make you proud of me. I believe God has a plan that is more beautiful to me. Mom, maybe you hate me but I love you and love you more than anything. Someday, I’ll make you happy and remember me as your little daughter, because I’m Irina”

The End

Based on True Story of the Author

Author:

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