Irina
In
this world, each person must have a dream. Dreams that are really want to
become real. Dream to have a better life and improve the future. Giving the
happiness the people we love. So the people we love can feel proud of us. But,
for all it's worth, it is not an easy thing to make it happen. Sometimes the
ways to through is like a steep and difficult to pass. Even tears certainly
also be a faithful companion present to treat any grief, sorrow, and the disappointment
as well. The most painful and frustrating is when we are faced with a choice
that did not want us to select none. When we chose it feels like there is a big
hammer that hit the chest that make it hard to breathe. Like the unconscious to
the decision that we choose, wanna change but we can’t, because we have chosen.
All the painful choice, whatever the chosen will remain painful for us, but we might
not be selfish and only think about ourselves. That's why I chose that option
actually I do not want to choose, but I am sure it is the best option to be
chosen. This is my story, my choices ... I'm with all my heart chose not to be
selfish and think only about me ... This is me and my story ... I'll never forget
this story whole of my life.
(9
years ago, 2006)
“Irina!”
someone, the girls in her school uniform called me.
“Hi
Lisa!” I greet her back and we walk together.
“What
will you do after high school?” she asked me.
“I
will move to Jakarta.”
“Alone?
How about your mother and your brother?” the curiosity was happening.
“We
all will be moved.” I said
“Wow
... what would you do there? Studying? Or working?” Lisa asked me again
“I
want to do both.” I answered her questions simply
“Do
you have family there?”
“Yes,
why?”
“Then
you will easily there, you can get a job easily because certainly there are
people who will help you." She just delivered het thought but I dislike
it.
Listen
to Lisa’s statement made me smirked and asked. “Are you always like that? Are
you just relying on someone else? I know how my family lives there, they were
all busy with their own business and they would not have time just to find me a
job.”
“Sorry,
I just think that having someone we already know at least it's easier than do not
have people we know there.” Lisa explained
Now,
I smile more sincerely. “It’s okay, what did you say is true as well. Some
people think the same way as you”
“By
the way, when you were a child, you also live there, right?” Lisa asked me
again and again. Actually she is my best friend in Senior High School, but she
little bit fussy, but no hard feeling between us, just be honest, and enjoy our
friendship.
“Yes,
as you know, but not too long. Only two years.”
“You
definitely cannot wait to go there again, right.”
“Yes,
you know me well. I cannot wait any longer.”
“I
will miss you, my friend.” she hugged me.
“I
will miss you too, but don’t hug me, please. I don’t want people will
misunderstanding about us.”
***
My
mom’s cell phone rang. My mom got called from my aunt in Pontianak. At that
time I still did not have my own mobile phone. I answered the call.
“Hello…”
“Have
you arrived in Jakarta?”My aunt asks me
“Yes we are, if not how I answer the call.”I answered
and tried to make a joke though it’s not funny as well.
“You're fine, right?” My aunt asked me again.
“Yes
we are fine.” I know that my aunt must be very much worry about us at that
time.
“Keep
yourself well, take care of your health, if there is anything you need or just call
me, you can tell me anything.” My lovely aunt keep fussy anytime anywhere even
on the phone.
“Alright,
don’t too worry, we’re fine here. We’ll call you later, bye.” I immediately hang
up the phone before my aunt speaks even longer. I know in my hometown,
Pontianak, my aunt will always help me but at that time was a different
situation and we had so far the distance. The distance between us and the place
where my aunt lived very far away, separated by the sea which can only be
reached by a plane or a big ship.
Next
day was my first day in college and also modelling school. I studied at the
Academy of Tourism Jakarta International Hotel where located in the Sudirman
area. Moreover after college I followed a modelling school in at Jalan Gatot
Subroto. In both places I was well received, and they were, my new friends, it was
very easy to recognize me, from my accent of Malay and they said that I have a
unique face. Even they thought I was so funny, whether because of my accent or
the way I dress. My style look old-fashioned for them and they were very
fashionable.
Our
days were very simplicity life. Staying in a rented house with two rooms that quite
nice with porcelain floors. However, our finances from the sale of our house in
Pontianak dwindling. I didn’t get a part time job yet and my mom has not found
a job too, while my brother who lacking in terms of reading and writing can
only keep the home for me and my mother when we were not at home. My mother always
took me to the campus and picked me up then. After that from college my mom
drove me to the modelling school and waiting me until the session was complete.
I
began to feel an imbalance in my life. Imbalance between reality and the dream that
I wanna be, but my mother always strengthen me to endure and convinced me that
I could achieve my dreams.
One
day, everything we have done seems to be in vain. Who could resist if God gives
a warning in life? Even at that time we had to prepare for that, but who would
have thought if that happened beyond what is expected. Our rented house that didn’t
too high was sinking and invisible, even the highest part of the roof of the
house was already gone.
Initially,
the embankment to retaining the rain that shipment from Bogor was just cracked
and surrounding communities have started to worry that it will become more
severe. Finally, the embankment cannot retaining the rainwater that shipment from
Bogor so suddenly collapsed and instantaneous water like a tsunami and hit our
house. We have taken refuge in a neighbour's house that has a place higher than
our home. We just able to see the house that we lived it was gone, any goods
can no longer be saved unless the items that have previously been saved since
the furore about the cracks - cracks in the dike.
Three
nights four days we occupy the upper level of our neighbour's house. Dark, there
was no electricity. Only when accompanied by candles at night, it was also our
subs just survive by eating instant noodles. Food brought by rescuer team did
not even get into our hands, because of the distance we were indeed very
difficult to reach. Even if the food was up to us, unfortunately, the food was
stale and inedible.
Guilt
began to infiltrate my heart. I wish I did not have the desire to become an actress,
so we would not be like in the difficult situation. Since then, I realized many
things. Dreaming is painful, because the reality is even more painful. I
originally wished her happy, my mom, and make her proud of me. In fact I was
the one who becomes a source of suffering for her. I have destroyed the life she
built painstakingly. My mother had to lose the house that she built with gathered
money little by little with all her labor. At that moment I realized ... I am who made her suffer.
Not
finished until there, after 3 days the water started to recede but the mud
remains very high, we tried to walk through the mud with energy left to look
for items that if it is still worth to be saved. My mother is very strong to
survive for the sake of me and my brother soon found a new place for us.
After
getting a new rented house, I will plan to go to college again. Amid the rain
that still has not dry, my mom and I headed to the campus used bike belonged to
my mother. She looked very concerned with how I was doing. My mother knew that
if I just tried to strengthen myself. Finally she decided to go back home and
not drove me to the campus. Arriving home my body is getting weaker droop.
Between conscious and not, I saw my mother, she panics even to cry. She was very
afraid of something happening to me, but to go to the hospital was not
possible, because we do not have enough money. My mother made various efforts
as much as possible for me, even my mother also tried to ask the neighbours if
there are the doctors around near where we live. The neighbour was telling my
mom that there was a doctor, woman doctor, who lived in nearby our stay, and
advised my mother to take me to the doctor.
My
mother took me to the doctor immediately. My mother who is skinny but has tremendous
power may be able to carry me, but I felt that I was able to strengthen myself
to walk. I do not want to bother my mom, I'll do what I can do because I've had
so much to make her suffer .
Although
staggered and very slow but I'm still trying to run as hard as my strength to
restraints by my mother. In front of the doctor I said all that I feel in my
body. But the doctor's words were at least quite a relief.
She
said, "There's nothing, really, it's just your heartburn already acute, if
allowed to continue and not brought here, maybe you could go to the hospital. Do
not eat instant noodles a lot, okay? It's not good for you.” In my mind, if I
didn’t eat those instant noodles, maybe I can die because of famine in three days
of that tragedy.
“It’s
because we do not get the food supply when flood tragedy so there was no food, just
there was the instant noodles, so for three days we only eat the instant
noodles, even the rescuer team difficult to reach the place where we wrere stay."
My mother started telling bad experience recently our experienced.
After
taking medicine from doctor, my health began to improve, but the problem seemed
without stop. Maybe because it was too tired and had to survive on the verge of
his limits. My mother fell ill. I'm freaking awesome. My world, my dreams, my
wishes as any all collapsed, lost, no longer I thought. All I wanted was just
one, I want my mother recovered. With all my limitations, my fears, I took care
of my mother's inability under the guidance of my mother. Sometimes I ask,
"What part of the sick, mom? Show me, where? Let me help you"
"No,
I already feel better anyway. You, just take a rest, you're also in recovery."
She said. I know my mother must have felt ill and felt that her body too
weakened. Perhaps her power is exhausted, tired, over what has happened to us.
In
between taking care of my mother, I was only able to dissolve in tears and
prayed to God to heal her. I was really scared. Tremendous fear that I never
felt before. I was so afraid. I understand what my mother felt when I was sick
at the time. Perhaps what was felt by my mother over than what I feel, but I'm
sure my mother is more powerful and strong than me. I was really scared. In
this capital of country, I don’t have the closest family, nobody’s here. No one.
I was getting scared. Only the extremely fearless that I felt. I cried badly,
even I find it hard to breathe because of crying. I cried silently, because I
do not want my mother to hear me cry. I do not want to make her worry and most
importantly I do not want to burden her anymore. I wish my mother a speedy
recovery. After the sufferings I had created for my mother I feel if something
happens to me my mother would be fine, but if on the contrary, it cannot be
imagined. So I'm also going to die at that time.
But
God is Most Great and my mother's was tough, the next day my mom situation gradually
improved. Millions of gratitude I prayed, I really cannot say anything. In my
heart, feel the true happiness beyond measured, cannot be expressed in words.
The
next day, while relaxing, suddenly slid the words of my mouth that makes her
stunned. I said, "Mom, I want to return to Pontianak." Without
thinking my words too long, my mother agreed, "Well, if you feel better
that way." Maybe because it was my mother was worried about my health that
I actually have not recovered 100%. I also promised my mother that I would work
hard, no need to think about college at that time.
And
finally we return. We stayed at my aunt's house that had always helped me. He
is the sister of my mother. Even though she's one of the kin, it does not
necessarily make us feel comfortable to live aboard to stay with her. I even
blamed myself for what happened to the people around me. I often write in my
favourite diary. I wrote what I feel, what cannot be expressed, including
feelings of guilt for what happened on us. It shocked me most was when I
discovered that the diary which I had was often painted by someone, my mother.
My mother wrote "YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE US SUFFER”. At that time, the moment
seemed to freeze, to stop, I know it were correct, even I know if all of this is
indeed because of me, but I still cannot believe why when the words were issued
by my own mother feels like as I have given a sharp sword to the person I love
to poke me, but I do not believe that she would actually thrust. Finally my
mother feeling that she had actually put out, so far she has been to contain
his feelings, she may really struck me after finding my diary. Since that time
I felt there was nothing else will protect me. My tears would not be stopped.
My mother continued to show his disappointment to me. I can accept and
understand all of it with nothing to do but pray to the Lord.
At
that time I also worked at the largest mall in the city of Pontianak, despite
only being a beauty advisor. There I met many new people from all walks of
life. Including one of the manager that known to be quite good, but not good
enough in my eyes. One day I was really angry at him even so sick and tired
cannot vent anger at the manager, I could just cry.
"What
happened Rin? Why? You really do not like Mr.Armand, he is still quite young,
had a good career, rich man, and he was also deeply religious, very good man."
said Tia, one of my friends at work.
"What?
Good? Someone can we judge as a good man if he was brave, not a loser."
“What
do you mean?” Tia felt curious.
“My
aunt told me, yesterday he came to my house and met my mother. During this time
he was curious where I live because I do not ever give anyone know where I live.
But since I held the little party and he came too, so he knew where I lived,
but I not have thought when he came again to m aunt’s house. That is why I do
not like him, he came when I wasn’t at home, even though he knew I was on duty.”
I said.
“Maybe
he tried to take your mother’s heart so he can steal your heart and people say
if you want her girl you need to approach her mother.” Tia said.
I
laughed when I heard Tia’s words. "Hehe ... but it's not applicable to me,
even though my mom really likes him, but I'll never like him. And especially
after such a manner"
“Don’t
be like that, how if you who chased him later?” Tia starts to scary me.
“Tia,
I've been through the most difficult and painful way, because of that I know
how it should determine the path of my life, no one else is doing this, but me,
only me. So whatever it is my decision, I will be responsible for it. And one
more thing, I'm not one to be tempted by another man's treasure, I'd rather try
and fight to get what I want with the results of my labor alone." I
explained to Tia and she got surprised.
“Wow,
I like your style, keep Fighting then.”Tia supports my choice, my words. I just
smiled at Tia when she showed her admiration.
Day
by day, I am aware that being an adult is not easy, but I also realize that
maturity is not measured by age, but how do we deal with something, struggling
for life and responsible for the choices we make in order to create the happiness.
But sometimes it is not our own happiness makes us happy, sometimes we want to
make others happy, regardless of our own hearts and feelings. Are we happy? At
least we have the smile that we got from people that we make them be happy, it
is like a little bit of fresh air for us to breathe.
I
know, life is a struggle that will never stop until we die. Therefore, after a
year I became a beauty advisor in Pontianak, I decided to arrange my move to
Jakarta, became a beauty advisor in Jakarta. Finally, I, and my mother decided
that we would go back to Jakarta. Never stop to struggle and keep trying. It’s
my life, my choice, at that time, our choice.
2008
I,
we arrived in this town again, but this time there are some differences. I no
longer come to college but this time to continue my work as a beauty advisor.
My mom and I also rented a house close to where I work, it is small but it is enough
for me, my mother and my brother.
Being
a new employee in a new place, I got new friends. I think they were friendly
enough. Unfortunately, my partner was gay. It's my first time made friends with
a gay. I have no problem with it. I just focus on what I want to do and did not
think much about the things that are not important to me. This new place,
though I tried to focus on things that are important only to me, there is still
a role of antagonist that is always trying to make me cry. This time one of the
famous supervisor likes to torture people, Mrs. Sri, she made me cry for no
apparent reason. When it turned out there was an inspection of the regional
manager of Greater Jakarta, and he saw me crying. He came up to me, and I met
him, his name Mr.Yoseph. He was a good man. Since then, strange gossip-gossip
began to circulate, but I do not care. I'm Irina, I just focus on what I should
pursue, but it does not mean I'm ignoring the existing circumstances. I just do
not want to care about the things that make me more stress. Even when I was
selected as one of the winners in the selection of the best employees, I do not
think much about the gossip-gossip about growing increasingly wild.
When
in an interview when selecting the best employees, I just answered as best as I
can, what I can, and all of it honestly and sincerely I do. At that time the
most important thing is not to be the winner, but the most important is what I
get then. An advice that I will remember forever, Mr. Yoseph said to me...
"Being successful is not easy, and when we succeed, 99 % of people do not
like it, but keep your spirit on the way that you choose." those words
were very meaningful to me, not the most precious gift of this competition, those
words is the greatest gift which is always I remembered whenever .
After
a year I worked as a beauty advisor, I began start to be brave back to follow
the audition of modelling show in a tabloid. Just at that time I only reached
the stage of semi- finalists, but it was one of the first steps into the world
a new, world entertainment. When my time was free and was getting a turn off,
so I'm going to try my lucky in the entertainment world to come to various
production houses for entering my data and do direct casting if it were open
casting session on that day.
Since
that time I also met with many agencies and from them I got various casting
info for advertising and others. Quite often I also get information from TV,
magazines or tabloids. Even before I had a chance to audition Miss Celebrity in
one of the TV station, I even asked for an interview with one of the well-known
infotainment. I love it. When my friends at work asked, if it was me? I simply
replied... " Aahhh , it 's just the resemble of my face, she’s not me."
"Are
you sure?" the employers that asked me look like do not believe in me.
“Ho
oh, it seems the real you, I watched it that show on TV.” One of them preety
sure if that person was me.
Actually,
I'm glad to hear that they watched and realized it was me , but I was too
embarrassed to show them one of my goals coming into this capital city, not
just because of my job, but in fact, I want to continue my dream deferred. My
mom wants me to continue my dream. However, this time is also not enough to be
better than yesterday.
The
first time I escaped casting and in calling for the shooting, I did a mistake.
I should not have decided to stop working. I know it is my fault, and it is
present always regret at the behind. Since that time my new world begins. The
world I dreamed, a job that I think easy to do, but not in reality. I really
started all from scratch. Bids for shooting start often arrive, but it was not
sufficient for finance for our lives.
My
mother is always with me wherever I keep shooting and my brother home. The income
that I get from my new job is not worth as the salary for being a beauty
advisor, but I have always thought that this difficulty is a struggle to
achieve success. I always think like that, just it the thing that I thought,
maybe even I almost closed my eyes from the circumstances around me.
For
a year I fought in the entertainment world. I follow any casting, but the
results did not like what I was expecting. My mom and I took a bus down
anywhere, ride motorcycles what we called “OJEK” or we used BAJAJ, all of public
transport in the capital was used to take a trip. I accept all bids shooting so
I can get revenue for our needs, for our life. I already do not care anymore
it's a role or just a walk-on role that is just passing through. I'm getting
stuck in a situation and options.
Needs
of our lives, the cost of the trip even made me more frustrated. And the
culmination of all the frustration that made me do a big decision, the decision
that I never imagined before.
At
that time, my brother had sent home to Pontianak. My brother who has been
protested and always looked fine was also frustrated with our condition,
because of that, my mother sent him back to Pontianak. From that time there
lived two of us, me and my mother.
A
variety of circumstances we've been through, we've experienced a variety of
flavours, sadness, joy, disappointment and we share those feelings. Anger,
tears and laughter after another but the third thing I mentioned, there is not quite
often present among us, which is most often present only anger and tears,
especially after my brother was not with us. The last feelings of guilt are back,
it wound back gaping and getting worse. My mother must have felt lonely and
guilty for sending my brother back to Pontianak.
My
mother is almost never parted with my brother. Unlike me , I've been living
separately with my mother, as a child when my parents divorced for a few months
I lived with my father without my mother, until she came back and took me to
live with her. When I graduated from elementary school, I lived in a dorm for
six years until I was in senior high school. So I am quite used to own, but
more mature, my mother even more protect me. But it's a long story, not the
story I want to tell in detail on this story.
This
story has no end of happy or wonderful but for forever I'll never forget in my
life. After trying a hundred times casting including casting of ads, for the
first time I made it through the casting and getting a bid advertisement. I
vividly recall, at the time I made it through a casting fast food products
from Japan. Maybe because my face is very oriental, that's why I got it away.
But it was not any part of this most important of all.
The
most important and memorable was when my mom was mad at me and told me that I
was the source of his suffering. If the first time my mother still writes it
down in my diary, this time my mom immediately said with her own mouth. I,
again, like being stabbed by his own mother with a sword wound right in the
first, previous injuries, which sometimes still hurt and sore, but this time it
was punctured again at the same place, this time even my own mother did it
right in front of my eyes, before me. I, do not know what I think, when it all
seemed dark and empty. I could not cry at the time, while in front, really cannot.
I kept ringing her words... forever.
"If
not for your ambition is, I'm not going to be like this. In my life, I have to
hard work, but I never do not eat. But this time you're making me like this. If
in Pontianak I definitely would not like this." Her words like a sword for
me that killing me.
Since
those words from the lips of my mother, I've decided one big thing. Things I
never thought I'd do, I never thought this way eventually.
When
my fee from commercials of fast food products from Japan ad it out. I ask my
mother, "Mom, so do you really want to go home?"
"Up
to you." My mother is like reversing the decision to me. I know actually
my mom really wanted back to Pontianak, but she might try not to be selfish,
and think about me as well, she may also wish to think about me. I also tried
to understand as possible when my mother was angry and hungry, because we do
not have any money, no food supplies, and most make my mother angry and
embarrassed because I asked my aunt's aid in Pontianak to transmit me a bit
money.
But
because of the words that have been out of her lips that has really stuck in my
heart and in my mind, I too have decided a major case.
"Mom,
what do you want actually, just tell me, I’ll be okay. If you want to go home
so we’ll go home. Yesterday you want to go home, right?. Then it's decided. We
return to Pontianak, tomorrow we take care of everything and buy the tickets to
go home."
I've
done it. The first time, I decided a big decision in my life. The first time, I
stand firm to my mother. In my heart I truly apologize to my mother, my heart also
... I actually cried.
That
day I threw all my pride, selfishness, desire, ambition, I left something very
big for me. I left my dreams. Dreams of become an actress and the professional
entertainer. I do not want to be a selfish. I wanna be bad daughter who only
think about only myself. Since then I closed my book, and I said this is the
end of my story, my dream. For me, dream isn’t a dream, when the dream just made
the people we love suffer in their life. What I feel will always be a secret in
my heart. I just spoke to my heart. And only my heart and God that only knows
what I feel. Only God and my heart also knows that if I say ... "Mom, I'm
so sorry, if I make you suffer, I promise after this, I'll just make you smile,
I will strive for it, whatever you want me to do, surely I will do my best. Mom,
I believe God is just and wise. From now on, I only want to be a good daughter
who can make you proud of me. I believe God has a plan that is more beautiful
to me. Mom, maybe you hate me but I love you and love you more than anything.
Someday, I’ll make you happy and remember me as your little daughter, because
I’m Irina”
The
End
Based on True Story of the Author
Author:
www.facebook.com/rinaranmouri
@rinaranmouri
Ig: rinaranmouri
www.rinaranmouri.blogspot.com
